Monday, May 9, 2011


From: The Lok Sabha.
Dear Constituent,
As your elected representative to the Lok Sabha, I am aware that you do not have a high opinion of us politicians. We may give the impression that we’re in this political business only to disagree, sometimes violently by throwing chairs and microphones and storming the well, with the ruling party. As members of the opposition, our job is to oppose whatever the ruling party proposes, whether the proposal is good for the nation or not is beside the point. Otherwise, there would be no need for an opposition party. When the ruling party is in opposition, they will perform the same role when we’re the ruling party.
However, I am delighted to inform you that for once in our long history of political conflicts, all the political parties are in total agreement. I wish to point out that such harmony has never been witnessed before in the Lok Sabha and I am certain you will be proud of your parliament and the smooth functioning of the democratic process.
I write only to explain to you why we – all the members of the Lok Sabha – so strongly oppose any electoral reforms. First of all , to be frank as I know you will understand such things being an Indian voter, I am not in this political business to serve you or the nation. I might give that impression during an election but I know that you do not believe a word I speak and you are there only to support my ambitions. Politics is about making money, even as business – an industrialist or a shopkeeper is also about making money. If it weren’t for the vast amounts of money there for the taking, why would any sane human being enter the political arena? I ask you.
My sole purpose, as you well know, is to make money swiftly as possible. Five years is a very short time to make enough money for me, my children, my grandchildren, my great grandchildren and great-great grandchildren. I cannot leave so many generations destitute and I will be long remembered by my descendants and given thanks for great foresight that they can lead lives of luxury and comfort.
You are very aware, having read the lies in the newspapers, that I have a 150 criminal cases pending against me in various courts. Among my colleagues in the Lok Sabha I am known as the ‘King of Courts’, while they’re mere princelings and petty zamindars in our courts. Some of them have only four or five criminal cases pending against them, which shows how they lack ambition to greatness.
I began my political career as a petty criminal – theft and extortion . While in prison, I was recruited into politics by my party leader who was also in prison on politically motivated charges for corruption. He was my guru who pointed out that there was more money to be made in politics than in owning an oil well. He needed my criminal mind and contacts to build up the party, so we became partners in politics. And through sheer will power, I rose up the ranks, committing murders and performing corrupt deed to magnificent proportions.
I am truly the embodiment of the Indian Dream – to amass as much wealth and power without performing any creditable deeds. But that’s why so many are eager to enter politics. Believe me, it’s not cheap getting a ticket to a ruling or major opposition party. It costs lakhs, sometimes a crore or two, and then we have to spend on our elections. By the time we reach the Lok Sabha or a State Assembly, we’re in deep debt. How else to pay off this debt? And then, further, how else to accrue as much as possible as, no doubt, in five years time, you will throw me out of my lucrative office.
You must understand now why all the political parties in the Lok Sabha oppose any electoral reforms. I began with nothing except a petty criminal record and lived in a hovel. Today I am worth crores and crores. Tell me, is it your business how much money I have? Making money is all luck and it was my luck to enter politics. Why should I reveal my bank accounts, properties, stocks, shares, benami properties. Now, I pay no income tax. What will happen, I ask, once all these acquired assets are revealed to everyone’s gaze? Income tax will demand their share of my hard-earned wealth. I don’t ask you how much money you have or how you got it. I firmly believe – as the American people do too – that this is an invasion of privacy.
I trust you will, like us all, strong oppose any electoral reforms. We know, at the end of the day, they will be easily subverted (our Indian minds are experts at this) and this process is just a waste of our time. We have better things to do – like making money.
Yours Sincerely, Gulabjaman-ji, Member of the Lok Sabha.

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